The New Bennett Sisters

Well I have been quietly standing in the shade
All of my days
Watch the sky breaking on the promise that we made
All of this rain
And I’ve been trying to find
What’s been in my mind
As the days keep turning into night

Now I see clearly
It’s you I’m looking for
All of my days
Soon I’ll smile
I know I’ll feel this loneliness no more
All of my days

- "All of My Days" by Alexi Murdoch

I've been listening to this song on repeat for a while. Outside, the sky threatens me with rain, but has yet to deliver. Instead, it's just gloomy. I feel uncreative and pent up- but the weird thing is that there isn't any reason to feel this way. I'm happy for once; I've let go of my first love (who was, coincidentally, my first heartbreak), found new ways to occupy my time, and am inching ever so closely to self-actualization (to quote Jane).

Mostly, I just wish it would rain. As much as I feel like a new, better person, there's still the taint of last week and the memories of what I said and what he said hanging around here. Maybe if it rained, these would all wash clean. How do you get over your first love? Everyone makes it sound so easy. Everyone tells me to move on or to focus on his bad points and what made me angry about him.

But the thing is, that doesn't work. Everything that made me angry at him made me love him. Angry because he just couldn't see all the stupid things he did, the stupid things that made me fall for him. Angry because those weird little quirks would never be mine to observe, really. Angry because he just didn't see me. So how can I focus on his bad points when I never viewed them as bad?

I'm trying to consider myself "over him". But when he passes my room, or smiles in class, or tells a joke, it just tugs on my heart and I find myself wishing once more. Wishing he'd change his mind, wishing he'd be more open with me, wishing there wasn't so much complication. He's so damn cryptic about everything that I can't ever be sure how he really feels. It doesn't seem like I could have been so deceived in what I felt about him and what I thought there was between us. There's so much that feels unresolved, so much in the air, in the tension, in the looks, that I feel like I'm going to go crazy.

How do I stop thinking of him that way? Everything just feels so right around him, despite all our fights and problems. I can't imagine feeling this way about anyone else. But he's written the whole thing off, so I'm supposed to as well. It's not as easy for me, however. I'm just wishing for a lot of things, I guess.