So over the past few weeks, my high school friends have gotten into a huge fight. Like, very huge. Like, all of them are involved in it, and it's escalated to the point of police involvement. And you know what? I'm sick and tired of it.
Seriously. You are not in high school anymore. You are grown-ups. All of you are older than me by at least a year, for pity's sake. The pettiness and gossip and "he said/she said" stuff was okay back in high school, but now some of you are in college, and the others have jobs in the real world. Just because she's marrying your ex, doesn't mean that she took him away from you. You guys haven't even dated in six months. And as for you, just because she's spreading vicious rumors and talking bad about you doesn't mean you have to threaten her. Once again, I'll repeat. You are adults. This is a major life change for one of you- she's about to get married! And you should be happy for her, not trying to turn her friends against her like we're freshmen again.
Don't drag me in the middle of it, at any rate. There's enough drama in college for me to deal with drama from my past. These are my thoughts on the matter- She was wrong to threaten you, yes. And conversely, you were wrong to say all the shit you said and do all the shit you did. I am going to her wedding, because she's a good friend of mine and I want to celebrate the start of a new life for her. I'm not going to listen to anyone's side of the story anymore. It's over, it's done with, MOVE THE HELL ON.
This whole thing has made me look at my own life a lot. I've wasted a lot of my time in the past few months worrying about the Darcy guy and having petty fights with him and such... and now I realize that I was acting no better than all my old friends are right now.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Friday, November 9, 2007
What Elizabeth would like in a man
So, I was actually planning on doing this before I saw Jane's post. But I figured, why not copy her. It's the sincerest form of flattery, right?
1. Someone who, above all else, shares the same beliefs and overall values as me. That might sound bad to some people, but to me, it just makes sense. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, I want it to be with someone who has the same kind of ideas and beliefs. But not all the same, because then there would be nothing to discuss. So I should say, mostly the same, but with enough variety to argue about.
2. Someone who makes me laugh. Very cliche and corny, I know, but it's simple and true. I love to laugh, and if you can make me laugh, you can win my heart.
3. Someone who will engage in lively debate and challenge my mind. This kind of goes along with number 1... it's no fun if two people share all the same ideas and beliefs, of course, and I do love a challenge.
4. Someone who trusts me, and at the same time is trustworthy himself. Trust is a really big issue with me... I've been through a lot in my life, and a few times I've placed my trust in people who have let me down. I very much value trust.
5. Someone who has the delicate balance of humility and confidence, kindness and outgoingness, someone who's brave but nice, someone who's intelligent but not condescending. You know the kind of balanced personality I mean. Like Henry from Ugly Betty.
6. Someone who I can rely on when I'm sick or sad, and won't get upset or fed up with me if I am sick or sad. Sometimes I just get blue and need to wallow in glorious melancholy. So I need someone who understands that, and maybe realize that putting on Beauty and the Beast is the perfect cure.
7. Someone who can tolerate my general craziness. Yes, I sometimes do stupid things like walk into doors and fall on my face, and sometimes I get obsessed with the most random of things, like a movie or a song. I'm just a little insane sometimes, but in a good way. So I need someone who not only tolerates that, but likes it as well.
8. Someone who accepts me for who I am, good and bad, but also tends to bring out the better parts of me.
9. Someone who probably shares the same career as me. I agree with what Jane said in her post, but unfortunately, my job will involve a lot of travel and a lot of adventure, and I need someone who can go along with me on that. A fellow traveler and companion.
10. Someone who's cute- to me. There's got to be some attraction there... not that I go for looks over brain and personality, but there has to be some kind of chemistry. Also, preferably someone taller than me.
11. Someone who loves music and old books. I would love it if he had interests of his own as well, but if he doesn't like music and old books, it just won't work.
12. Someone who will accept the fact that every weekend, there needs to be a two hour block where I will watch Pride and Prejudice. He is more than welcome to join me. But there definitely has to be room for Mr. Darcy in my life.
13. Someone who can cook. I can cook, and I'm pretty damn good at it, but I love it when a guy cooks for me. It's just hot.
14. Someone who loves dogs. That's a must. An absolute must.
15. Someone who's smart. I'm not a snob- I just would love being able to discuss the really weird things I know with the one I love. And if he were interested in the same area or worked in the same career, we'd be able to discuss those things. But at the same time, he can't be condescending or view me as inferior.
1. Someone who, above all else, shares the same beliefs and overall values as me. That might sound bad to some people, but to me, it just makes sense. If I'm going to spend the rest of my life with someone, I want it to be with someone who has the same kind of ideas and beliefs. But not all the same, because then there would be nothing to discuss. So I should say, mostly the same, but with enough variety to argue about.
2. Someone who makes me laugh. Very cliche and corny, I know, but it's simple and true. I love to laugh, and if you can make me laugh, you can win my heart.
3. Someone who will engage in lively debate and challenge my mind. This kind of goes along with number 1... it's no fun if two people share all the same ideas and beliefs, of course, and I do love a challenge.
4. Someone who trusts me, and at the same time is trustworthy himself. Trust is a really big issue with me... I've been through a lot in my life, and a few times I've placed my trust in people who have let me down. I very much value trust.
5. Someone who has the delicate balance of humility and confidence, kindness and outgoingness, someone who's brave but nice, someone who's intelligent but not condescending. You know the kind of balanced personality I mean. Like Henry from Ugly Betty.
6. Someone who I can rely on when I'm sick or sad, and won't get upset or fed up with me if I am sick or sad. Sometimes I just get blue and need to wallow in glorious melancholy. So I need someone who understands that, and maybe realize that putting on Beauty and the Beast is the perfect cure.
7. Someone who can tolerate my general craziness. Yes, I sometimes do stupid things like walk into doors and fall on my face, and sometimes I get obsessed with the most random of things, like a movie or a song. I'm just a little insane sometimes, but in a good way. So I need someone who not only tolerates that, but likes it as well.
8. Someone who accepts me for who I am, good and bad, but also tends to bring out the better parts of me.
9. Someone who probably shares the same career as me. I agree with what Jane said in her post, but unfortunately, my job will involve a lot of travel and a lot of adventure, and I need someone who can go along with me on that. A fellow traveler and companion.
10. Someone who's cute- to me. There's got to be some attraction there... not that I go for looks over brain and personality, but there has to be some kind of chemistry. Also, preferably someone taller than me.
11. Someone who loves music and old books. I would love it if he had interests of his own as well, but if he doesn't like music and old books, it just won't work.
12. Someone who will accept the fact that every weekend, there needs to be a two hour block where I will watch Pride and Prejudice. He is more than welcome to join me. But there definitely has to be room for Mr. Darcy in my life.
13. Someone who can cook. I can cook, and I'm pretty damn good at it, but I love it when a guy cooks for me. It's just hot.
14. Someone who loves dogs. That's a must. An absolute must.
15. Someone who's smart. I'm not a snob- I just would love being able to discuss the really weird things I know with the one I love. And if he were interested in the same area or worked in the same career, we'd be able to discuss those things. But at the same time, he can't be condescending or view me as inferior.
What Jane would like in a man
--in no particular order:
1) Someone who will sing me to sleep at night. I know this sounds childish, but I think it would be really sweet to have someone who--no matter the distance between you or the surroundings--doesn't care if he makes an ass in front of himself if it makes you happy. Plus, guys who sing are super sexy, indeed.
2) Someone who understands that, no matter how much I love them, there are times where I'm just going to need space and alone time. Yes, I am selfish. I was an only child, so I'm not very good at sharing and it would be nice to have someone who understands that and perhaps feels the same way.
3) Someone who believes in me as much as I believe in myself--no matter how ridiculous or cliche my goals seem. I would believe in him and his potential, so I'd like that in return.
4) Someone who--despite how intimidating I can be--doesn't show that he's intimidated by me and knows that, at the end of the day, I'm still the me he fell in love with and my accomplishments haven't gone to my head.
5) Someone who's not afraid of being publicly affectionate--for whatever reason. No matter the reason, it would make me feel like he was embarrassed of me, and I would never want to be with someone who didn't consider me a prize.
6) Someone I can talk to about things like literature and film and video games and politics and anything I want to talk about. I like to talk and I always have things swimming around inside my head, so it would be nice to have someone who could see where I was coming from--or that appreciated my randomness.
7) Someone spontaneous and adventurous--who isn't afraid to try new things. I like to get in the car and drive to no place in particular. I like to travel and get out and see things and experience new tastes and sights and sounds. I want adventure and not just resorts when I go on vacation. I want Moroccan food instead of McDonalds. I want to hike to the top of the mountain instead of drive.
8) Someone who isn't in the same profession as I am. I'm a competitive person and I don't want that to ruin a relationship because I'm struggling to out-do the man I love. I want someone who isn't going to be any type of doctor--preferably someone who isn't even a biologist. I need someone to fulfill and live my passions like literature and archaeology because I won't get to do that, but if they did, it would be comforting to hear about it.
9) There's a million and one other things I could list, but most of all, I just want someone I can be comfortable around, someone who doesn't make me nervous or feel stupid or wistful. I want someone who's on my level and looking for the same things I'm looking for. Someone who isn't in a rush to get somewhere--esp. in the relationship.
1) Someone who will sing me to sleep at night. I know this sounds childish, but I think it would be really sweet to have someone who--no matter the distance between you or the surroundings--doesn't care if he makes an ass in front of himself if it makes you happy. Plus, guys who sing are super sexy, indeed.
2) Someone who understands that, no matter how much I love them, there are times where I'm just going to need space and alone time. Yes, I am selfish. I was an only child, so I'm not very good at sharing and it would be nice to have someone who understands that and perhaps feels the same way.
3) Someone who believes in me as much as I believe in myself--no matter how ridiculous or cliche my goals seem. I would believe in him and his potential, so I'd like that in return.
4) Someone who--despite how intimidating I can be--doesn't show that he's intimidated by me and knows that, at the end of the day, I'm still the me he fell in love with and my accomplishments haven't gone to my head.
5) Someone who's not afraid of being publicly affectionate--for whatever reason. No matter the reason, it would make me feel like he was embarrassed of me, and I would never want to be with someone who didn't consider me a prize.
6) Someone I can talk to about things like literature and film and video games and politics and anything I want to talk about. I like to talk and I always have things swimming around inside my head, so it would be nice to have someone who could see where I was coming from--or that appreciated my randomness.
7) Someone spontaneous and adventurous--who isn't afraid to try new things. I like to get in the car and drive to no place in particular. I like to travel and get out and see things and experience new tastes and sights and sounds. I want adventure and not just resorts when I go on vacation. I want Moroccan food instead of McDonalds. I want to hike to the top of the mountain instead of drive.
8) Someone who isn't in the same profession as I am. I'm a competitive person and I don't want that to ruin a relationship because I'm struggling to out-do the man I love. I want someone who isn't going to be any type of doctor--preferably someone who isn't even a biologist. I need someone to fulfill and live my passions like literature and archaeology because I won't get to do that, but if they did, it would be comforting to hear about it.
9) There's a million and one other things I could list, but most of all, I just want someone I can be comfortable around, someone who doesn't make me nervous or feel stupid or wistful. I want someone who's on my level and looking for the same things I'm looking for. Someone who isn't in a rush to get somewhere--esp. in the relationship.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Oh me, oh my... it's been such a long time since I posted here. Mostly because life has been hectic beyond all belief. I tend to measure time in hair products, and it has been two conditioners and a shampoo since I last whined about my love life- or lack thereof.
I think it's pretty apparent by now that my life is not a Jane Austen novel, despite how much I'd like it to be. The guy that I would love to be my Darcy has stopped being such an ass, but we seem to have fallen into a sort of purgatory where he treats me wonderfully but views me like a friend. Which makes me anything but an Elizabeth, doesn't it...
In other news, life has been beating me into a pulp this past week. Wildfires destroying my childhood home, tragedy in my sister's life, and stalker drama in my own, not to mention classes, work, papers, and Darcy. I've been so distracted by all of this that I tend to wash my hair two or three times in a row, which is why I'm running through conditioner so quickly. Once I even put soap in my hair after mistaking it for shampoo. And then, when I realized my mistake, I proceeded to rewash my hair and then put soap in it again.
If I have any sanity left at the end of this semester, it will be a miracle. More than halfway over, thankfully, but going home means going home to face new problems, and leaving behind my old ones. Some of which- well, one in particular- I would love to have figured out. Unfortunately, the ball's in his court now. And as long as we can get along civilly, I think I'm okay with that.
I think it's pretty apparent by now that my life is not a Jane Austen novel, despite how much I'd like it to be. The guy that I would love to be my Darcy has stopped being such an ass, but we seem to have fallen into a sort of purgatory where he treats me wonderfully but views me like a friend. Which makes me anything but an Elizabeth, doesn't it...
In other news, life has been beating me into a pulp this past week. Wildfires destroying my childhood home, tragedy in my sister's life, and stalker drama in my own, not to mention classes, work, papers, and Darcy. I've been so distracted by all of this that I tend to wash my hair two or three times in a row, which is why I'm running through conditioner so quickly. Once I even put soap in my hair after mistaking it for shampoo. And then, when I realized my mistake, I proceeded to rewash my hair and then put soap in it again.
If I have any sanity left at the end of this semester, it will be a miracle. More than halfway over, thankfully, but going home means going home to face new problems, and leaving behind my old ones. Some of which- well, one in particular- I would love to have figured out. Unfortunately, the ball's in his court now. And as long as we can get along civilly, I think I'm okay with that.
Monday, October 22, 2007
I'm so sick of falling
Why does one's heart reach out for another to hold? I wouldn't say I need someone in my life, but sometimes I feel like my heart thinks otherwise. And it's never the passing fancy--that would be too simple--it's always a burning and ever consuming flame, the kind that crawls under your skin and into the center of your body and won't let go. Sometimes I don't even think it's for a person, rather for a feeling--the feeling to be needed in return, to be someone else's haunting presence.
There's this one right now who doesn't know I exist. Well, he knows I exist, but I don't think he could possibly know or reciprocate this fierce master to whom I am enslaved. He's just right--well, aren't they all. He's not perfect because I don't see anyone as being perfect, he's just right. At least for me. Perhaps. Maybe if we got to know each other better, maybe if we got a good judge of each other's characters, he'd see it too. Most likely it's just wishful thinking.
I shouldn't dwell. Dwelling leads to too active an imagination for my liking. Though it's hard to focus and my thoughts are fuzzy at the slightest mention of his name. Oh, how I wish I didn't feel this way. It's so bittersweet. The hope fills you ever so briefly, but the reality remains, stinging like no physical pain can. Oh I hate loving as much as I hate hating. Were I lacking of so much emotion, I might find this more bearable.
There's this one right now who doesn't know I exist. Well, he knows I exist, but I don't think he could possibly know or reciprocate this fierce master to whom I am enslaved. He's just right--well, aren't they all. He's not perfect because I don't see anyone as being perfect, he's just right. At least for me. Perhaps. Maybe if we got to know each other better, maybe if we got a good judge of each other's characters, he'd see it too. Most likely it's just wishful thinking.
I shouldn't dwell. Dwelling leads to too active an imagination for my liking. Though it's hard to focus and my thoughts are fuzzy at the slightest mention of his name. Oh, how I wish I didn't feel this way. It's so bittersweet. The hope fills you ever so briefly, but the reality remains, stinging like no physical pain can. Oh I hate loving as much as I hate hating. Were I lacking of so much emotion, I might find this more bearable.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
I have this theory. The more God- or the universe, or fate, or the llama deities, or whoever you believe runs things- sticks us with bad luck, the more good luck we rack up for later. And vice versa. It's the rubber band effect- the more you pull back on it, the harder it's going to snap back.
I have to wonder if that's what's happening in my life right now. The past few weeks were, simply put, complete shit. Angry confrontations, broken heart, lengthy apology letters, confusion, and all that. I tried to control all of it, too. Figure everything out into small solvable problems, when the whole mess is really too complicated for anyone to ever figure out. That's what generally happens when you fall in love with someone who's in love with someone else who's in love with someone else. It all gets complicated.
But the past few days have been full of extraordinary good luck, hence my rubber band theory. It's probably not karma, seeing as how I'm really not that good of a person. I'm too sarcastic, cynical, and all around not very nice to deserve any kind of good luck. But that's all that's been hitting me for the past week. I'm kind of suspicious of it, actually.
It's hard t just sit back and accept good luck when you know it's all coming back to get you in a little while. At what point does the rubber band begin to get stretched too far back the other direction?
I have to wonder if that's what's happening in my life right now. The past few weeks were, simply put, complete shit. Angry confrontations, broken heart, lengthy apology letters, confusion, and all that. I tried to control all of it, too. Figure everything out into small solvable problems, when the whole mess is really too complicated for anyone to ever figure out. That's what generally happens when you fall in love with someone who's in love with someone else who's in love with someone else. It all gets complicated.
But the past few days have been full of extraordinary good luck, hence my rubber band theory. It's probably not karma, seeing as how I'm really not that good of a person. I'm too sarcastic, cynical, and all around not very nice to deserve any kind of good luck. But that's all that's been hitting me for the past week. I'm kind of suspicious of it, actually.
It's hard t just sit back and accept good luck when you know it's all coming back to get you in a little while. At what point does the rubber band begin to get stretched too far back the other direction?
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
The Children Debate
It seems that, even though my mom has accepted the fact I don't want children, no one else will. So let's go over some of the reason I would make a lousy mother versus the reasons I would make a great mother and determine if I am fit to be a parent.
Why I'd be a bad mother:
1) I have no desire to have children. I would think that any decent parent would want children. I don't.
2) My goals and ambitions tend to eclipse my want of a normal life. I have so much I want to do. When am I supposed to find time to settle down and pop out kids?
3) I've taken care of my elderly grandmother for most of my teenage years. She's like a giant baby. I no longer wonder what it would like to care for someone else. And honestly, after taking care of her, I don't want to care for someone else.
4) I like being alone and peace and quiet too much. Children are noisy. Children are demanding and depend on you. I dumped my last boyfriend because he was too demanding. You can't dump kids.
...do I need more reasons, because I'm sure there are more, but I'm too sick to think of them.
Why I'd be a great mother:
1) I don't take shit. Those kids would be well behaved because I wouldn't accept any less.
2) I have great genes. I'm smart. I'm ok looking. I'm not deformed, don't have any genetic diseases--that I know of. Who wouldn't want my genes?
3) I inspire greatness. I would push them to be intelligent and good people and they, in turn, would turn out like me: someone who wants to cure cancer and help people. Wouldn't that be great to have someone just like you out there?--provided you're a decent person.
Well, I can't think of any more reasons. I guess the nays have it. Oh well.
Why I'd be a bad mother:
1) I have no desire to have children. I would think that any decent parent would want children. I don't.
2) My goals and ambitions tend to eclipse my want of a normal life. I have so much I want to do. When am I supposed to find time to settle down and pop out kids?
3) I've taken care of my elderly grandmother for most of my teenage years. She's like a giant baby. I no longer wonder what it would like to care for someone else. And honestly, after taking care of her, I don't want to care for someone else.
4) I like being alone and peace and quiet too much. Children are noisy. Children are demanding and depend on you. I dumped my last boyfriend because he was too demanding. You can't dump kids.
...do I need more reasons, because I'm sure there are more, but I'm too sick to think of them.
Why I'd be a great mother:
1) I don't take shit. Those kids would be well behaved because I wouldn't accept any less.
2) I have great genes. I'm smart. I'm ok looking. I'm not deformed, don't have any genetic diseases--that I know of. Who wouldn't want my genes?
3) I inspire greatness. I would push them to be intelligent and good people and they, in turn, would turn out like me: someone who wants to cure cancer and help people. Wouldn't that be great to have someone just like you out there?--provided you're a decent person.
Well, I can't think of any more reasons. I guess the nays have it. Oh well.
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